i’m not a writer, i just work as one
One of the lessons you learn very early on if you’re engaged in creative pursuits is that self-doubt will be a constant, unshakeable companion.
I’m not a good writer, but that’s okay. Someday, I will be. I try not to see mediocrity as a fixed fate I must resign myself to forever, and so it doesn’t scare me too much. It’s a survival tactic, really, this hope fueled-perseverance. “I’ll get better”, I tell myself often - sometimes at the close of a weary day where despite my best efforts not much gets done, other times when I read a compelling piece of writing and wish it were mine. With conscious effort, I’ve grown to believe this simple affirmation (and when that feels hard, my writing from three years ago serves as an effective reminder).
However, one of the more active problems I face is this - I can never really introduce myself as a writer. What Do You Do might be my least favourite question, and I usually settle for some unintelligible version of -
“I work as a writer for a design magazine” “Um, I write about design” “I’m writing for a design magazine at the moment”
Given its ability to make me feel like a complete fraud, the more succinct “I’m a writer” phrase rarely escapes my lips.
I’d been trying to break down why I feel like this. It’s funny, my doctor, teacher and chartered accountant friends don't really face this problem of sidestepping introductions - professional identity is a fairly straightforward construct for them. Why is it so ill-defined for me, then? The answer came to me in a tiny epiphany one day, while I was talking to a friend who also writes. I realized, that for most creatives - artists, writers, musicians, photographers, establishing a professional identity has to be a self-fulfilling process. We may have studied our craft diligently and spent our youth in practice, but there’s no real line of demarcation (at least in the early years) like there would be for other professions for which educational degrees are clear stamps of professional identity. You're either an ophthalmologist, or you aren't. Our medical system leaves little room for interpretation.
But where does that leave those of us who didn’t graduate from Writer School with a Wr. seared into our names? When do I become a writer? What's the word count I must hit to be able to identify as one? I haven't written a book (and am nowhere close to the task). All of my written work has been published on digital platforms - I have nothing to physically hold and call mine. Will I be able to separate my talent and sense of self from tangible things like the volume of my work, or the success of my professional undertakings? And if I don’t consider myself to be a ‘good’ writer, how can I truthfully call myself one?
I would personally think it very amusing to just end it at this. But traditionally, good writing (i.e. the Ultimate Goal) demands answers to the questions raised, resolutions to the conflicts established, and a sense of fulfilment to reward the reader for seeing it through.
My apologies in advance, if I’m unable to tick the final box for you. I don’t have a neat set of answers or resolutions, but I can offer you some honesty. Most of the time, I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. The act of writing makes me feel like I’m constantly hacking away at the dense undergrowth in a murky jungle, just waiting to hit upon a clearing. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever get there, but occasionally, a ray of light pierces through the darkness, and that’s enough to keep me going. There - just keep going. I’m going to leave you with that very original thought.
Maybe this is the trade-off I have to accept - for the wonderful feeling of accomplishment that comes with writing the final draft of something that seemed impossible at the beginning, for the joy of watching myself get better with time (at an unhurried pace, no doubt), and for knowing just how lucky I am to be able to craft a career out of something I love, self-doubt seems a reasonable price to pay.
And someday, when I feel like I’ve earned it, I’ll get to “I’m a writer”. Until then, I’ll just work as one.
Written by Nuriyah Johar
Nuriyah Johar is a Bombay based writer, currently working at a design publication. You can find more of her work on Design Pataki and on Medium.
Covert art by Tenhsar